Consequences | Chapter 3/4

[sanalayla]

So, she waited. And the silence between them grew. Until, finally, Lois decided enough was enough and said, “Clark? The dust? What’s up with that?” Injecting a teasing note into her voice, she added, “What, you get lost in the supply closet again? Maybe you do need those glasses, after all.”

Surprised by the comment, Clark didn’t respond as he considered his options. Finally, he cleared his throat and looked around, noting that there were still a few people around the bullpen, even though it was a Saturday. Coming to a decision, he grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the back hallway that led to the storage closet.

If Lois was taken aback by his abrupt action, she didn’t show it. Instead, she quickened her pace to keep up with him and let him push her into the room and then turned around to watch him as he locked them both in.

When Clark turned to face her, he realized he had no clue where to begin. “Lois,” he started and then stopped. Ironically, he had practiced this very speech a thousand times, but when actually confronted with the task, it was daunting.

Lois, for her part, just folded her arms and raised a brow questioningly. “What’s up?” Other than mild curiosity, he couldn’t discern any other emotion from her expression.

Swallowing slightly, he glanced around the storage closet. Unfortunately, it held no clues as to the best way for him to admit to his girlfriend that he’d been lying to her for the past eight months. Well, the past six years, to be exact, but he was hoping Lois would give him a free pass for the years their relationship had been defined as friendship, as opposed to coupledom.

“Lois….” Clark stopped, again, as he tried to formulate the words that would either lead to Lois being incredibly happy with him, or searching for the nearest supply of Kryptonite.

Lois seemed to realize he was having difficulty getting his thoughts together. So, she prompted him, “Clark, what’s going on?”

“I was in Africa,” Clark admitted, thinking that he needed to say something and it was a nice and generic comment. And the truth, too. “I went down to see you there.”

Surveying him, her head tilted to the side, Lois answered, slowly, “I see. Did you have fun down there?”

“Yes,” Clark answered automatically. Belatedly, the question sunk in and so he said, hastily, “No! I mean… I was only there for….” Clark paused, debating if he should tell her that he’d only been there for five minutes. “I was only there to look for you.”

The silence lengthened between them. Lois was looking at him expectantly, as though she were waiting for him to complete his thought. When he didn’t expand on his comment, she broke the silence. “Well, now you found me. What did you want to talk to me about?”

Clark considered his words carefully and thought about what to say. And how, exactly, to convey how he felt about her. He watched her as she stepped back and leaned against the desk; her arms still crossed as she waited for him to speak. A memory nudged at him, from another time, but in this same place. Clark had been a very different person back then, but that Clark had the courage to tell Lois the truth about himself.

I guess I shouldn't call you Smallville anymore.

A smile tugged at Clark’s lips, as her words filtered through his consciousness. It was such a typical Lois Lane response. For some reason, the memory alleviated his fears and he before he could stop himself, he burst out with the truth. “Lois. I’m the Blur.”

Clark held his breath as he waited for her response and tried to analyze her reaction.

Blinking slightly, Lois stared at him for a moment and then nodded slowly. “You are.” She said the words simply; neither a question nor a statement.

“Yes.” Looking her in the eyes, intently, he added, “I wanted to tell you. So many times, but….”

“Why didn’t you?” Lois’s words held no recrimination or censure. If anything, she sounded curious, as though she weren’t invested in the answer; she was just wondering out loud.

A million excuses ran through his mind, ready to trip off of his tongue. I was worried about your safety…. I couldn’t let you know, just in case people used you to get to me…. What if we broke up, it wasn’t fair to you…. What if I died; what would happen to you?

In the end, Clark didn’t say any of those things. Instead, he admitted, a bit wryly, “I was an idiot.”

For a single second, Lois’s eyes just widened and she stared at him in amazement. And, then, she burst out laughing. Clark couldn’t help but smile in response, himself.

When Lois had finally gotten control of herself, she tried to come up with the perfect, witty response. But, in the end, all she could manage to say, with a slight sigh, was, “Oh, Smallville.”

Pursing her lips slightly, she looked him over and wondered what she was supposed to do. How was she supposed to react? What was the proper response when your boyfriend of less than a year announced that he had a super-powered alter ego he’d been hiding from you? And that said alter-ego had been having a separate relationship with her for the past year, too? Lois had heard about love triangles before, but this was ridiculous.

While she mulled over her scattered thoughts, Lois tried not to focus on Clark. It was obvious he was waiting for her response. That he needed to hear from her that it was okay. That she understood and she forgave him. That all the lies and secrets were just par for the course, since he was the Blur and it could all be forgiven as part of his job.

There was a huge part of her that wanted to do just that. Say it didn’t matter and that she would forgive him the deception. And that they could just share a huge laugh over it and move on. The words stuck in her throat, though, as her mind went over all that happened in the past year.

“So, do you forgive me?” Clark looked at warily. “I’m so sorry that I --.”

“Don’t, Smallville,” Lois interrupted. She lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “There’s so much that happened that I can’t. Let’s not turn this into an apology fest, okay? I think we both made a ton of mistakes this past year.”

Clark swallowed and nodded. “I wanted to see you as soon as everything calmed down. After Zod --.” He stopped, as though he realized that she didn’t really know what he was talking about. “I had to go find Oliver,” he finished, in the end.

“I know.” Lois nodded. She knew that and it was probably one of the reasons why she wasn’t angry with him. Or more angry with him. “I get it, Clark. You had priorities. And I wasn’t at the top of the list. Trust me, I understand.”

Clark looked relieved. “I knew that you would.” He stepped closer to her and gazed down at her searchingly. “Lois, this past year has been, in a lot of ways, the best of my life. And now, you know the truth, and we can move on and --.”

“Wait, Clark,” Lois interjected, nervously. “I understand a lot and I’m not angry with you. I think. I mean, I don't think I should be. I have no idea. I feel like I should be.... But there’s a lot I have to… I don’t know, Clark. Just because you’re the Blur, it doesn’t mean that it magically solves all of our problems.”

“What do you mean?” Clark met her gaze steadily. “This was our biggest problem.”

Shaking her head slightly, Lois looked away from him. How could she explain to him that she didn’t know WHAT their problems were? She didn’t even know what was real and what wasn’t. While, on the one hand, she knew Clark on a level that most people didn’t, she wasn’t entirely sure that what she knew was real. In the past year, what had been real? What hadn’t been real? How could they go back to a relationship that hadn’t really existed to begin with?

The silence grew between them and Clark broke it to say, “Lois? What is it?”

So, Lois just asked the first question that popped into her head. “Is there anything else I should know?” The question came out a little bit more blunt than she intended, so she added, in a semi-teasing tone, “I mean, I don’t know if anything can top that particular bombshell, but are there any other skeletons in your closet I should be aware of? Are you really a blonde? Was the plaid fetish real or was that just for my benefit?”

Clark grinned and glanced down. When he glanced up at her, his blue-green eyes were twinkling mischievously. “I wish I’d thought of having a plaid fetish just to annoy you. But, no, I actually do like plaid. And I’m not blonde. I hope you don’t want me to be blonde, because I’m not going there. And as for the rest….” Clark hesitated and then said, in a more serious tone, “There is something else. Something you need to know.”

Lois’s heart started pounding and she was more than a little worried. What else could there possibly be? “Um… okay. Shoot. What is it?”

“Lois, I’m… not exactly from around here….”

*


“So, the Kandorians were your people.” Lois, who had long ago hopped onto the desk as Clark told her his life story, crossed one leg over the other. One leg swung idly as she absorbed everything. “It all makes so much more sense now.”

Clark was leaning against the wall, his own arms folded across his chest. “Yes, they were.”

She tried to imagine what he’d gone through and she found that she couldn’t. To go through life thinking that you were the last member of your race – your whole planet annihilated – and then to find a group of people that had survived. Only to have them taken away, too.

Feeling a rush of sympathy flow through her, Lois looked across the room at him. “I’m so sorry, Clark.”

Clark didn’t seem to understand what she was referring to. He looked a bit disconcerted. “For what?”

“They’re all gone. And now, you don’t have anyone here who understands you. Who’s from where you’re from,” Lois explained. “You’re alone again.”

“Lois….” Clark stared at her for a long moment and then walked closer to her, bridging the distance between them. He stopped right in front of the desk, so Lois was forced to look up at him.

“Lois, I….” Clark looked down at her, intently, his jaw working as he seemed to be struggling to figure out what to say. Finally, he stated, “I would rather be the only Kryptonian on Earth than be with my people in their new home.”

“Why?” Lois was genuinely confused.

“Because my world isn’t a home unless you’re there,” Clark stated simply. He lifted his hand and cupped her face, tenderly. “You’re my home. It doesn’t matter if they’re from my planet. You… you’re the one who understands me.”

Blinking back the tears that came to her eyes, Lois leaned back to get a better look at him. Her voice came out a little husky, as she replied, “Ah, Smallville.” She bit the inside of her cheek and, almost involuntarily, one corner of her mouth turned up into a tiny smile. “You’re amazing.”

That clearly wasn’t what he’d been expecting. “Why’s that?”

“You make it impossible for me to be mad at you.” Lois shook her head slightly, almost in disbelief. “Any other girl would be so pissed. For months. Maybe even years. It’s the sane thing to do.”

Clark put his hands on the desk on either side of her, bracketing her between his arms. Leaning down so he met her gaze, he murmured, “Sanity is overrated.”

Lois wanted to believe that. She really did. But she couldn’t help but look back at him for a moment, steadily, and she said, honestly, “No, it’s not.” Before he could respond, Lois added, “I know you had good reasons for doing what you did. At least, what you thought were good reasons. But how are we supposed to just move on as though we didn’t spend the past few months lying to each other?” Lois paused and then asked him, her heart in her throat, “I'm not mad at you, but I'm... I'm confused, Clark. What would you do if you were me?”

A flash of emotion flickered in Clark’s eyes and he stepped away from her a few inches. “I would do anything in my power to be with you.”

“Really?” Lois’s brow rose skeptically. Not that she didn’t feel a thrill of emotion at his words. But given everything that had happened in recent events, it was a little difficult to take what he said at face value.

“Yes,” Clark stated, emphatically.

“You know,” Lois started, thoughtfully, “You broke up with me twice in the same week. Once as the Blur and then as Clark Kent.”

Clark flinched. “Lois… I….”

“Wait,” Lois held up her hand. “Let me finish.”

Clark didn’t look happy, but he let out a resigned sigh and then nodded silently, gesturing for her to continue.

“So, you broke up with me twice in the same week,” Lois repeated. She shook her head slightly. She took a deep breath and then admitted, “And it hurt. And I don’t know, Clark….” Lois looked away and then managed to finish, “I don’t know if I can go through that again.”

“Lois,” Clark interrupted, “I’m sorry; I….”

“Clark, I’m not saying this to make you feel bad,” Lois cut in, in an exasperated tone. “I forgive you. It’s not about that.”

“Then what’s it about?” Clark wasn’t sounding too patient himself, at this point.

“Trust.” Lois gave him an expectant look. “As somebody just pointed out to me, trust is one of those things that’s hard to earn and easy to lose. And this whole thing between us,” Lois indicated the space between them with one hand, “won’t work if we don’t trust each other. And who’s to say that we can do that?”

Clark swallowed and shook his head. “Lois, I trust you more than anyone.”

“No, you don’t, Clark,” Lois responded, gently. “You didn’t trust me to handle your secret and deal with it however I wanted to. You made all the decisions for me, thinking it was better to keep me out of the loop. And, frankly, I didn’t trust you. There were a lot of things I could have told you this past year that I didn’t.”

“Yes, you talked to the Blur,” Clark answered, flatly. “I know, and I don’t care, Lois. Because I am the Blur. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, except for all those times it wasn’t you,” Lois pointed out. “There were those times it was Zod.”

Clark didn’t respond and he looked away.

“And that wasn’t all,” Lois admitted, with a slight shrug. “Do you remember John Corben? The guy I worked with at the DP?”

His brows furrowed in confusion. “The guy with the meteor rock heart?”

“Yeah,” Lois nodded. “I spent a whole day with him, dodging Tess’s sidekicks and saving his life. This was after I broke into her super-secret facility for the fake Blur.”

“Okay,” Clark answered, slowly. “That’s… fine.”

Lois nodded, squinting at him a bit. His words were saying he was fine, but he was looking a little odd. She debated whether to continue and then realized that full disclosure was probably for the best. “He asked me to run away with him.”

Silence met her words and then Clark nodded, a few times in quick succession, looking incredibly uncomfortable as he met her gaze. “Okay. Well….” He paused, for a second, and then offered, weakly, “I take it you turned him down?”

“Of course.” Lois gave him a look that clearly conveyed how she felt about the question. “That’s not the point.”

Now, Clark was beginning to look a little annoyed. “So, what, exactly, is the point?”

“The point is that I didn’t tell you,” Lois answered, slowly, as she considered her words carefully. “I thought… I thought you couldn’t handle it. That Clark Kent couldn’t handle it, I mean.”

Clark filled in the rest. “But you could tell the Blur, because you thought he could handle it?”

“Yeah.” Lois thought for a second and then admitted, “I was trying to protect you. I didn’t want you to become involved in that side of my life. Ironic, huh? I was trying to protect you from you.”

“Lois….” Clark took a step closer to her and stared down at her, his eyes full of concern. “We both did that. I did what I did to protect you, too. That’s not….” He stopped and then finished, gently, “That’s not a bad thing.”

“It is when it means we lie to each other,” Lois countered. She hopped off of the desk and moved past him. She turned to look back at him when she reached the door. “We were friends for years, Clark. Even before we became a couple. You’ve always been this guy that I just knew I could count on. And that hasn’t changed.”

Clark looked at her across the room and his mouth set in a grim line. “But?”

Lois knew that this was it. The moment that she might end up regretting for the rest of her life. But, as she stared at the man who had shattered her heart, she felt her walls begin to rise up around her; an automatic protection against the inevitable pain and destruction he was sure to leave behind. She survived it this time. There was no chance she’d survive it the next time.

So, Lois took a deep, fortifying, breath. “I can’t be with you, Smallville.” When she saw him close his eyes and take a step back, she added, almost firmly, “I am so proud of you. And proud to call you my friend. But… I can’t go there again. I think… I just think that some things aren’t meant to be. And you and me? I think that we were just meant to be friends.”

Clark swallowed and when he opened his eyes, she saw that they were full of panic and clear pain. “No, Lois. I don’t believe that.” Quickly, he closed the gap between them and walked to her, grabbing her by the arms. “Do you remember what Dr. Fate said?”

Confused by the abrupt change of topic, Lois could only blink up at him. “Helmet-head?”

“Yes.” Clark brought her closer until she was forced to look up at him. “You told me what he said. The person he was talking about was me, Lois. And he told me that you were the key. And he was right. I didn’t understand what that meant, then, but I understand it now.”

“The key?” Lois repeated, faintly. “To what?”

“To making me the person I’m supposed to be,” Clark answered, his voice a little desperate. “Helping me realize my destiny. You make me more than just Clark Kent. More than just the Blur. With you, I see how I can be both. And that’s what the world needs me to be. And for that – I need you.” He gazed down at her, his eyes burning through her, as though he could see into the deep recesses of her soul. “And if you’re honest with yourself, you know that you need me, too.”

“Clark.” Lois looked down, avoiding his gaze, and let out a sigh. “A relationship needs more than that. More than people needing each other. It needs trust… it needs….”

“Friendship,” Clark cut in. “What about friendship? What about love?”

At that, Lois met his gaze and stepped back. She grasped a hold of the handle and opened the door, tilted her head to the side as she considered his words. “You have my friendship. You always will.” Lightly, she punched him on the arm and forced a smile to her lips. “See you around, Smallville.”