Drabble 23 | It’s Not Easy

[sanalayla]

A woman screamed behind Lois, pointing towards the sky. Lois followed the motion and shielded her eyes to get a better view of the fiery building. A window blew out on the top, fire and smoke billowing out from the new opening.

“My son!” A man came barreling through the crowd, wearing a raincoat. It was obvious that he had just gotten there. He looked wild with fear and confusion. He tried to force his way past the barricade, but a policeman stopped him. Grabbing a hold of the policeman’s jacket, he sobbed out, “My son! He’s still in there! I can’t find him! I have my wife and my daughter, but we don’t know where he is. He didn’t get out – please HELP ME!”

“Sir, sir, it’s OK. We’ll find him,” the policeman said soothingly. He gently extricated himself from the crying man. Lois saw him grab his walkie-talkie and urgently issue commands into it, while the man was led away by a paramedic who had been standing nearby.

“I hope he wasn’t on the top floor,” Lois heard one woman next to her say to the other.

Her companion answered. “I don’t even think the Blur can go up that high, can he? And won’t the fire hurt him?”

The first woman shrugged and pulled her bathrobe around herself tightly. “Who knows? There are over a thousand people who live in that building. I don’t think even the Blur is that fast. I’m sure he’s doing all he can.”

Tears came to Lois’s eyes and she brushed them away. The smell of smoke, fear, and desperation filled her breath and she coughed. She knew she should be going around and getting quotes from the witnesses, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. All around her, she saw families huddled together. Some were relieved and clinging to each other with love and gratefulness. Others, like the man in the raincoat, were clutching each other as they cried and prayed. Every once in awhile, firemen would come out of the raging building, covered in soot and bringing smoke back out with them. Paramedics were going from group to group, trying to bring whatever relief and medical aid they could.

Lois closed her coat and crossed her arms, looking around at the devastation. She knew the Blur was in there. About every five minutes, the firefighters would come out with a story of how they were magically saved from almost certain death or how they would walk outside to find a victim left, unharmed, a few feet from medical attention. No one had seen him, but the people knew he was there, working silently side by side with the firefighters and paramedics. That had given everyone a sense of hope, but as time went on, even that hope was waning. There was no way there wouldn’t be casualties. Now all people could do was pray that the casualties would be minimal and, almost selfishly, wouldn’t be one of their own loved ones.

Shaking her head to try to clear her thoughts, she pulled her phone out of her pocket. Without looking, she hit ‘send’ to call the last person she dialed. It went to straight to voice-mail.

“Um… Smallville, it’s me, again. When you get this, give me a call.” Lois frowned and then added, “I hope you’re okay.”

She put the phone back in her pocket and looked around. What she saw next broke her heart. A firefighter came through the barricade, holding a little boy in his arms. The crowd parted to allow him to pass. He walked to first available paramedics he could find and put the child on the gurney. Lois watched as the medical team tried to save him, a flurry of activity that quickly ended after a few minutes. As she turned away, she heard a chilling sound… a keeling noise that came from the man who had been looking for his son earlier. She whirled around and saw him kneel down next to the stretcher, losing his balance as he cried. Two seconds later, he was surrounded by a woman and a young girl, both who were sobbing equally hard. Lois blinked, her own eyes welling up in sympathy. She shook her head and walked quickly away from the crowd. Lois realized she couldn’t take anymore.

~

Lois sat at her desk and stared at her monitor blankly. She registered, vaguely, the phones and activity around her, but she couldn’t muster up enough energy to turn on her computer. After a moment, she picked up her phone again, frowning when she saw that Clark hadn’t called her back. She scrolled through her call log and realized she’d called him eleven times. Where was he? Lois tried to ignore the frisson of fear crawling up her spine and pushed away images of the people she’d just left at the accident site.

Lois was so lost in her reverie, she jumped when her phone buzzed and beeped in her hand. She immediately flipped it open. “Clark? Are you OK?”

There was a silence for a second and then she heard, “No, it’s not Clark.” The voice was garbled and mechanical. “Are you all right, Lois? I wanted to check on you.”

Lois stood up, smiling a little. “I’m fine. How are you?” Her smile slipped as she realized he’d probably called her as soon as things had calmed down. “I saw on the news that the fire was put out. Thanks to you.”

“Thanks to a lot of people,” he corrected her. “I didn’t do it alone.” There was a moment of silence and he added, “The truth is, I wish I had done more.”

Lois smiled sadly. “I guess you can’t win them all.”

“Do you… Lois… I….”

“Yes?”

He was quiet for a second and then asked, “Can you meet me on the roof?”

Lois started. “Excuse me?”

“Can you meet me on the roof of the Daily Planet?”

“Yeah, sure,” Lois answered, confused as to where this was coming from. Her heart began to pound a bit. Was he finally going to reveal himself to her?

A few minutes later, she pushed the heavy door open to the roof. She could make out a shadow in the corner. Lois had just taken a few steps towards the middle of the roof, when he said, “Stop. I… it’s probably better for you to just stay there. Safer.”

Even though she felt disappointed that he was still holding himself back from her, she granted his request. She stood right in the middle of the roof, the light from overhead falling directly on her, the corners full of shadows.

“Are you saying I’m not safe from you?” she finally asked.

“No, I’m saying it’s not safe for you to know who I am,” he responded, gravely. “I’ve already put you enough danger in the past.”

Lois grinned a bit. “Well, I wouldn’t hold it over you.”

He let out a chuckle, the sound coming out raspy through the voice changer. “That’s good to know.”

Lois stepped forward a bit. “How are you doing?”

“I’m…,” he hesitated and then confessed, “I’m not doing so well. Today was a hard day.”

“Because of the fire? I know it was hard, but you helped so many people.”

“I lost a little boy,” he stated, simply. “I couldn’t save him.”

Lois swallowed at the pain she heard in his voice. More than that, she felt his despair coming at her in waves. She wanted to rush up to him and hug him, but – of course – knew she wasn’t allowed to do that. “I know this doesn’t mean much, but even you can’t save everyone.”

“I should be able to,” he responded in a low voice. “I keep thinking back, wondering what I could have done differently… trying to figure out….”

“You can’t talk like that,” Lois interrupted. “I know, it’s tempting to second guess yourself, but – honestly – you have superpowers. You’re not God.”

“It’s hard to remember that when people keep seeing me as one,” he countered. “I know I’m not, but when I see how the people today needed me to be someone that I don’t know if I can be….” His voice trailed off; his thought unfinished.

Lois nodded sympathetically. “Did I ever tell you my dad’s a general in the US army?”

“No, you didn’t.” If he seemed taken aback by her change of subject, he didn’t express it.

“OK, well, he is. And, you know, he’s a really successful one. You should see his study – full of medals and all sorts of honors. There isn’t a bare space on his walls. He’s really proud of all his achievements, my dad.” A warm breeze blew a strand of hair across her eyes and Lois brushed it aside carelessly, lost in her memories. “Except for one medal. He keeps it in his desk drawer and he never talks about it. One time, when I was about thirteen, he happened to get drunk…” Lois paused and decided to skip over the fact that it had been on the occasion of the anniversary of her mom’s death. “… For some reason, and he was in a sharing mood. So, he took out this medal and he told me the story behind it.”

“Lois.”

She held up her hand to silence him. “No, wait, just listen. So, early on in my dad’s career, he was in a battle. They were surrounded by the enemy and his whole unit was pretty much obliterated. My dad went back, again and again, to save his people and bring their bodies back to a safe area. Later on, when the dust cleared, he was pretty much the only one left standing. Only two other people survived and they were both missing limbs. My dad, though? He was standing and whole. They gave him a medal of honor and he got promoted to a higher rank.”

“Your father sounds like a brave man.”

Lois smiled faintly. “Oh, yeah, brave is one word to describe him. But that’s not the point. The point is that my dad hated that medal. He hated looking at it and he hated that people actually celebrated his failure. When he saw that medal, he never saw the people he saved or families who were grateful to him for the return of their loved ones. All he saw was all the people who died.”

“Your point is that – like your father – I’m focusing too much on my failure?”

Lois shook her head. “No, my point is that – sometimes – a hero fails. And the toughest part of being a hero is dealing with the fact that people are going to see you as a hero, anyway. You might see only your failures today, but you gave people a lot of hope and peace through your actions.” Her voice softened. “Those people don’t see you as a god or a savior. They see you as someone who keeps going back for his unit, even if the mission isn’t successful. Even if he knows it won’t work, he still tries anyway. Thirty years ago, that was what the army gave my dad a medal for. Not for being brave. But for actually caring.” There were tears shimmering in her eyes when she finished, “My dad never figured that out. I hope you do.”

“Lois.” His voice came out uneven. “Thank you for sharing that.”

Lois smiled through her tears. “You’re welcome.” She raised a finger to brush away at the tears and when she had composed herself, Lois looked out into the shadows and saw that he was gone.

~

Lois walked back to her desk slowly, her heart heavy. The events of evening had left her drained, both emotionally and physically. When she got there, she stopped and her eyes lit up.

“Clark!” She ran up to him, launching herself into his open arms. She held on to him for a few minutes, feeling his arms tighten around her. Then she pulled back and frowned up at him. “Where were you? I called you a million times.”

“Eleven, Lois,” he corrected. “Not a million.”

“You know what I meant.” Lois stepped back away from him to be able to glare at him properly.

He let her go, reluctantly. “I was on my way to the accident, but I got caught in a traffic jam. I tried calling you, but my phone died. And, then, when the traffic jam finally cleared up, my car broke down.”

Lois pursed her lips and considered him for a second. “That sucks.”

Clark looked away from her and sighed. “Yeah, it does suck. It was a bad day.”

“Yeah,” Lois nodded in agreement. “For a lot of people.”

Clark gave her a questioning look.

“Well, there was the fire,” Lois explained. “Then, I talked to the Blur and he felt so terrible.”

Clark had been going through papers on his desk and he glanced up at her. “You talked to the Blur?”

“Yeah,” Lois responded casually. She leaned one hip against the desk, absent mindedly tapping a pen against her lips. “He asked me to meet him on the roof. I think he just wanted to talk.”

“About what?”

“He felt about bad about today.” Lois's eyes widened as a thought occured to her. She looke at Clark nervously. “Um… you don’t care that I’m talking to him, do you? I mean, there’s nothing going on….”

Clark smiled. “I don’t mind. I’m sure you made him feel better, Lois.”

“I hope so.” Lois turned to look at him and saw that he was watching her with a sort of intensity she normally didn’t associate with him. For a moment, she held his look and then averted her eyes, breaking away from his gaze. She cleared her throat. “So, um, I think this has been a really long day and we should call it a night.”

“Good idea.” Clark grabbed his raincoat and moved closer to her. He put his hand on her lower back and guided her towards the door. “I think we should order in tonight. How about Chinese?”

“Order in?” Lois jammed the elevator button and shot him a confused look. “When I said we should call it a night, I meant we should both go home. To our separate homes and get some sleep. Aren’t you tired? You’re usually in bed by this time.”

As they entered the elevator, Clark grabbed her hand. “Not tonight. Tonight, I’d rather hang out with you.”

Lois considered him for a moment, gazing at him searchingly. “OK.” Then she added, with a teasing grin, “But I’m warning you – I won’t make it to the fortune cookies, Smallville. I’m beat. Don’t complain when I’m asleep on your couch in an hour.”

“No complaints from me,” Clark promised, with a grin.

“Good.”

The elevators doors opened and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her as they went outside and back towards his home.

Comments

[s01itaire90.livejournal.com]

This one is one of my favorites. I love seeing the emotional side of Lois, along with her helping Clark even though she doesn't know it.

Truly spectacular job. I, for one, applaud you.

Keep up the fantastic work!!

[sanalayla.livejournal.com]

Thank you! This one is one of my favorties, too! :) And it wasn't easy to write. I normally write the comic stuff - angst isn't usually my style.

[endorajournal.livejournal.com]

i was wondering when it's going to be a Blur/Lois drabble :)
this one just broke my heart... i always feel like that whenever Clark/Superman feels that he failed or something.

[sanalayla.livejournal.com]

Yeah... this was also something I wanted to explore more because the show didn't give it to us. We were expected (around "Hostage") to believe that Lois was helping the Blur and had a thing with him, when - in reality - they barely talked. I wrote this to kind of explore what Lois meant to the Blur and why that helped Clark gravitate towards Lois.